Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It is 7:03am on a Wednesday 
And i am sitting here looking at my monitor. 
I am so worried.
All the time. 
I am not in any immediate danger i am always worried.
About big details. 
Small details.
And everything inbetween.
It just started to rain.
Its raining hard enough so that you can see it coming down sideways.
And hitting the pavement outside my window.
I am leaving today.
Leaving my house.
Where i used to feel safe.
heading to my grandmas.
Shes sick.
I dont think that i have ever been more scared of a word before. 
But when i heard that this word was in her. 
hurting her. 
I was enraged.
All at the same time.
So ever since that dismal day we have been making the six hour drive to see her.
Shes so happy.
Or so it seems. 
She puts up this wall. 
This fake wall.
Telling you that she is always fine when you can tell she is hurting.
I hate to see my little grandma in that much pain all the time. 
And you know what the kicker is. 
I cant help. 
I can't cure cancer for her. 
I cant even ease her suffering. 
I am just a devastated bystander. 
I have felt help;less for the past few months. 
Ever since we heard the news.
I want to make everything okay for her. 
I never want her to hurt. 
Its amazing really.
I care immensely.
But i feel so selfish.
I dont want to leave.
I have someone here.
Somebody very special.
They have been what is keeping me okay through all of this.
I just got back. 
Saw them once. 
Only a small series of small moments. 
Small but wonderful. 
I dont want to leave.
They keep me okay.
And i have to leave them.
It may only be a few days. 
But if you have ever loved somebody. 
The way i do them. 
Then you will understand.
Just how much i need them.
I feel safe in their arms. 
And i adore listening to them talk.
Every word seems to soothe my nerves.
How do i feel bad about wanting to be with them.
They make me feel safe.
I never want to leave them. 
But i know the comfort of my grandmother is more important. 
Time is limited. 
I miss them though. 
When i am siting there. 
Watching her get chemo. 
In so much pain. 
I cant help it. 
I think of them. 
Wishing i could hold them. 
And be held.
I miss them.
So much my stomach aches.
But i bite my lip. 
Knowing that i will come back. 
I will see them again. 
Thats what keeps me going. 
The hope of being with them again. 
I am going now readers. 
Until next time.

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