Monday, November 2, 2015

It is eight fourteen at night.
It is nice and dark out.
And clear.
I can see all of the stars spread across the sky.
And all i think about.
All my brain will allow me to think about.
Is my faults.
What i have recently ruined.
What i have done.
And how i hurt people.
Have you ever lied.
Like a big lie.
A big ugly lie.
And to the most important people in your world.
The people you need.
That you need in order to be okay.
That weighs on you every waking moment.
Because you know that you could have done better.
And you know deep down that what you did was wrong.
But you had to.
Your brain needed release.
And it found it.
Even if it came about in a cruel manner.
This action comes with a plethora of emotions.
Many of them are painful.
They wreck you.
Break you down,
And this hurts you.
You know that it hurts you.
It hurts so bad.
It's a special feeling of pain.
Unique to circumstance.
But not as bad as it does when reality hits.
When the eye of the storm you have created hits you.
And you are suddenly discovered.
Your ugly side is brought out into the open.
For the world of people you care about to see.
You are discovered at your lowest form.
Your lowest low.
This devastates you.
Because these people.
That see you.
Are the people that mean the most to you.
The ones that you want to impress.
the ones you want to see you succeed.
And to see you at your best.
So when they see your ugly side.
The part of you that you desperately try to conceal.
Because you know that it would hurt them to see you in pain.
They are generally not mad.
And you want them to be mad.
You want to be cursed at and screamed at.
Because you are numb.
You have not felt in the longest time.
That was your cry for help.
And you are teetering on the edge.
Between drifting away and trying to feel again.
And being yelled at would push you towards a decision.
They are hurt.
And you never wanted to hurt them.
Your whole goal was to hide your pain.
And to hide your numbness form the world.
Specifically them.
Because you could not stand knowing that they knew you were in pain.
They are scared.
Not of you although it may feel like this.
But they are scared for you.
Because they know that they can not protect you.
They can not protect you from what you bottle up inside.
And when you do not allow them access to you.
And you pretend.
And you portray somebody different than yourself.
Somebody you know they will accept.
They don't know you.
They can not save you from a part of you.
That they do not know exists.
They feel blind.
Because their only job.
Their only responsibility was to protect you.
And you dint let them.
You made them fail.
It was your fault.
And you are going to have to live with that.
That you hurt them.
You made them feel that pain.
The pain you were trying to prevent.
You ended up causing.
They did not see this coming.
You can not expect them to see something coming.
That they did not know was the slightest possibility.
They had no idea that you hurting.
Because you hid.
I have been living with this pain.
I was found out.
And i am not ashamed to say.
That i need help.
And now i am getting the life saving help i needed.
But i didn't know how to ask for it.
My advice to you.
Whether you decide to take it or not.
I feel the need to tell you.
The void.
The readers.
Because i feel that this is important.
It could save somebody.
I am asking you to acknowledge your pain.
That is hard yes.
But i believe in you.
You are stronger than you may know.
Acknowledge it.
And then you must communicate.
You can not be afraid of asking for help.
People will surprise you.
When faced with challenges people react differently.
But they react with the goal of helping you in mind.
I will leave yo with that my readers.
Remember that you are strong.
And that you are worth trying for.
Good night my Readers.

Friday, October 9, 2015

I can't sleep.
I have not slept in a long while.
Yet i still dream.
My brain is a beautiful escape from reality.
Sometimes i like to go far far away.
To a place where i can no longer fathom a reality.
Where things are only beautiful,
And there is no pain.
Its peaceful.
As wonderful as this magical place is,
This is not that i need.
Sometimes i really don't want things to be perfect.
As nice as it can be.
It can be sickening having things be perfect.
So instead.
My intelligent brain works.
It works hard to free me.
It soon comes up with an alternative.
A alternate universe.
Just for me.
For my soul to run wild within.
Do as i please.
Yet another place that i can be whatever i wish to be.
My brain takes things from the real world.
Things that i find perfect.
I know that it is odd.
But there are thing.
Usually quite obscure.
Hidden through the clouds of reality.
There hidden.
Are specks of true beauty.
And objects.
That are truly radiant.
Everyone has one.
I know that it may be hard to believe.
That everyone has one.
But trust me when i say this.
We will all find our shard of beauty.
Its out there.
Just waiting to be found.
People worry that if they do not rush to find this beauty.
That their small piece of pure beauty will simply cease to exist.
But that is not how this works.
That small piece of beauty.
Your piece of beauty.
It will not move on from you.
That is put on this earth for you to find.
For you.
And you for them.
They are meant to be with you.
And as they wait for you to find them.
You don't even realize it.
But you are waiting for them.
You have never met.
But you complete each other.
You need them just as much as they need you.
Its comforting really.
Knowing that there is a single piece of beauty put on this earth just for you.
So i take this piece of beauty.
My piece of beauty.
I take it and i put it in to my escape.
Imagining what life would be like with them.
The simple details.
And no limitations.
No time restraints.
We would never feel pain.
Or loss.
We would be completely content.
Free of Pain and suffering.
Life would be lived to its fullest.
Every second of every day would be used for the better.
That is where i go.
When these frequent sleepless nights occur.
I run in to my own mind.
Holding on to that piece of beauty.
My piece of beauty.
I hope you all find your pieces of beauty soon.
Do not worry they are out there.
I will leave you be now with this thought.
Goodnight my dear readers.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

It is 4:15 on a Thursday evening.
The past month has been a whirlwind.
People from my past are reappearing.
And people in my present are giving me trouble.
My love life is thriving.
And not to mention the academic world is demanding.
Trying to handle this with grace and poise is growing harder.
People are getting under my skin more easily now.
Is this because my views about topics are becoming a bigger part of who i am.
Is it that i am just not an agreeable person.
To be fully honest with you i do not know.
But i am trying to handle this with as much class and fairness as i can.
After some time it starts to take its toll though.
It hurts knowing that what you say is not being heard, yet being rejected harshly.
It pains me thinking that i have caused people unintentional pain due to past relationships.
I never want to be the cause of pain, or unneeded anger.
I don't like to upset people.
I like to protect the people i care about.
i love to make them feel like their opinions and reasonings are heard.
That is important to me.
Very important.
I try my very hardest to always be the bigger person, in theses situations.
But sadly.
it's becoming harder.
Whether or not i am being heard becomes more important to me.
than if i am perceived t have handled my self in a proper respectful manner.
But i am human.
I can not help it.
When you hurt somebody i care about,
Please keep in mind, that this action hurts me.
Because knowing that i have failed to protect somebody i care about pains me.
I don't handle that well.
Im working on it.
I know that i should put these things behind me.
But it is very hard.
The fact you hurt somebody i care about, will taint my view of you.
Know that i do not let things go.
I hold on to things.
Grief holds on clawing at me.
Pain still stings.
Tears are eternally flowing.
My happiness never dulls.
My memories will never be forgotten.
The regret of actions and lack there of haunts me.
Fear will never loosen its hold on me.
I cant.
my mind will not let me let go.
trust me i want to let it go.
I don't like to hold on.
I want to let go, like i want the emotion to release me.
People judge.
they get so angry with me sometimes.
So i try.
I try so hard to let go.
But it hurts.
I'm sorry.
I thought i would throw that out there.
To the world.
That i am sorry i can't let go.
I don't honestly want to let them go.
But society wants me too.
So i should right.
Tr t be normal.
Let it go.
I will leave you with that my readers.
Have a good evening.

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Its 9:42am.
On a Thursday morning.
Its a tad foggy out.
And quite damp.
I know that it had rained the night before.
Because i was awake.
Last night.
There was no sleep.
I lied there awake.
Pondering ideas.
Trying to come up with solutions.
For my petty self induced problems.
I do everything that i believe my mind is capable of in that moment.
I adore this time, i have.
Alone with my self.
I know that it is a selfish behaviour.
Self destructive really.
This is vital time i am told.
I am still growing.
My body is still growing.
But i feel that during this time.
I am growing.
Growing stronger.
More clever.
Yes i may scare my self.
With the ideas and thoughts that my sick brain conjures up.
Some of them can be deep.
And rather complex.
But sometimes using the same brain.
The same brain that conjures up complex ordeals.
Comes out the most shallow inconsiderate ones.
Sometimes i wonder if i am selfish.
But then i parooze the idea for a while.
Think it over.
rolling it around and around in my brain.
then i finally come to the answer.
No i am not selfish.
I know i am not.
Because when i gorge my self in that sickly self indulgent feeling.
I feel as though i am rotting.
I despise the feeling of selfishness.
This is only one of the small thoughts.
That wonder their way in to my lovely monstrous brain.
At ungodly hours of the night.
Maybe some time.
I will show you a more complex wonder.
until next time.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Why do people feel the need to hide their beautiful differences?
I believe i have found the answer.
Differences scare people.
People believe that things must continue the way began.
Set in stone.
Its not supposed to differ.
From person to person.
It is supposed to be the same.
Supposed to be.
But people are brave.
We constantly test the limits of the normal.
Once we know the limits.
We break them.
We refuse to be limited.
By people who are scared.
Never ever be afraid.
Afraid of what scared people may think.
Its worrying yes.
But i promise you.
If you step outside the normal.
That tight plastic bubble of normal.
That suffocating feeling.
You have the capability.
The bravery inside of you.
To break out of the normal.
SAo please.
I am asking you.
A request really.
Don't limit your self.
I will leave it up to you to interpret.
Interpret what it means to you.
Because if i tell you.
I will be telling you how to free me.
Not yourself.
I will leave you to ponder that.
Goodbye dear readers.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It is 7:03am on a Wednesday 
And i am sitting here looking at my monitor. 
I am so worried.
All the time. 
I am not in any immediate danger i am always worried.
About big details. 
Small details.
And everything inbetween.
It just started to rain.
Its raining hard enough so that you can see it coming down sideways.
And hitting the pavement outside my window.
I am leaving today.
Leaving my house.
Where i used to feel safe.
heading to my grandmas.
Shes sick.
I dont think that i have ever been more scared of a word before. 
But when i heard that this word was in her. 
hurting her. 
I was enraged.
All at the same time.
So ever since that dismal day we have been making the six hour drive to see her.
Shes so happy.
Or so it seems. 
She puts up this wall. 
This fake wall.
Telling you that she is always fine when you can tell she is hurting.
I hate to see my little grandma in that much pain all the time. 
And you know what the kicker is. 
I cant help. 
I can't cure cancer for her. 
I cant even ease her suffering. 
I am just a devastated bystander. 
I have felt help;less for the past few months. 
Ever since we heard the news.
I want to make everything okay for her. 
I never want her to hurt. 
Its amazing really.
I care immensely.
But i feel so selfish.
I dont want to leave.
I have someone here.
Somebody very special.
They have been what is keeping me okay through all of this.
I just got back. 
Saw them once. 
Only a small series of small moments. 
Small but wonderful. 
I dont want to leave.
They keep me okay.
And i have to leave them.
It may only be a few days. 
But if you have ever loved somebody. 
The way i do them. 
Then you will understand.
Just how much i need them.
I feel safe in their arms. 
And i adore listening to them talk.
Every word seems to soothe my nerves.
How do i feel bad about wanting to be with them.
They make me feel safe.
I never want to leave them. 
But i know the comfort of my grandmother is more important. 
Time is limited. 
I miss them though. 
When i am siting there. 
Watching her get chemo. 
In so much pain. 
I cant help it. 
I think of them. 
Wishing i could hold them. 
And be held.
I miss them.
So much my stomach aches.
But i bite my lip. 
Knowing that i will come back. 
I will see them again. 
Thats what keeps me going. 
The hope of being with them again. 
I am going now readers. 
Until next time.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Its 3:03pm on a saturday.
And i am thinking. 
Thinking and pondering.
What words describe me.
And that word came to mind.
That word describes me.
Very well actually.
I much rather stay home. 
It's not that i don't enjoy going out.
i have no problem with it.
I can go out have a good time.
But at the end of the day.
I rather be home.
Going out can be stressful for me. 
It causes me anxiety. 
I worry.
I can't control it.
I am smart.
That is fact. 
Public speaking does not scare me. 
I know i have a voice. 
Quite it may be, but i know its powerful.
But none the less going out troubles me. 
Worries me. 
There is no reason for me to worry.
Wonderful friends and a coffee shop.
Sounds idyllic.
Good conversation. 
Good coffee. 
What's wrong with me.
I can have a good time. 
I can enjoy my time out.
But it takes a lot.
Takes a lot to get out.
And let people in.
I suppose that i feel safe home. 
And that when i walk out the door the shield of a safe home disappears.
That may sound odd.
I feel you are more susceptible to pain and judgment out there.
I used to think that i had to stay home. 
Only go out when necessary.
 That was my mindset.
I have met some one. 
They make me feel safe.
I can trust them. 
I used to go out and be stressed worried, irritable.
Now i go out and they allow me to see things with beauty.
And reason.
 I don't worry like i used to when i am with them.
I am so thankful for them.
I let them in.
And was happily surprised.
I may still prefer staying in.
But i am not opposed or scared of the prospect of going out with them.
They bring beauty in to my world.
I love them.
I hope that all of you. 
My readers. 
And people who don't know i exist. 
I hope that all of you have some one who love you. 
And make your world beautiful. 
You deserve a beautiful world. 
Till another time my readers.