Thursday, August 27, 2015

Why do people feel the need to hide their beautiful differences?
I believe i have found the answer.
Differences scare people.
People believe that things must continue the way began.
Set in stone.
Its not supposed to differ.
From person to person.
It is supposed to be the same.
Supposed to be.
But people are brave.
We constantly test the limits of the normal.
Once we know the limits.
We break them.
We refuse to be limited.
By people who are scared.
Never ever be afraid.
Afraid of what scared people may think.
Its worrying yes.
But i promise you.
If you step outside the normal.
That tight plastic bubble of normal.
That suffocating feeling.
You have the capability.
The bravery inside of you.
To break out of the normal.
SAo please.
I am asking you.
A request really.
Don't limit your self.
I will leave it up to you to interpret.
Interpret what it means to you.
Because if i tell you.
I will be telling you how to free me.
Not yourself.
I will leave you to ponder that.
Goodbye dear readers.

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

It is 7:03am on a Wednesday 
And i am sitting here looking at my monitor. 
I am so worried.
All the time. 
I am not in any immediate danger i am always worried.
About big details. 
Small details.
And everything inbetween.
It just started to rain.
Its raining hard enough so that you can see it coming down sideways.
And hitting the pavement outside my window.
I am leaving today.
Leaving my house.
Where i used to feel safe.
heading to my grandmas.
Shes sick.
I dont think that i have ever been more scared of a word before. 
But when i heard that this word was in her. 
hurting her. 
I was enraged.
All at the same time.
So ever since that dismal day we have been making the six hour drive to see her.
Shes so happy.
Or so it seems. 
She puts up this wall. 
This fake wall.
Telling you that she is always fine when you can tell she is hurting.
I hate to see my little grandma in that much pain all the time. 
And you know what the kicker is. 
I cant help. 
I can't cure cancer for her. 
I cant even ease her suffering. 
I am just a devastated bystander. 
I have felt help;less for the past few months. 
Ever since we heard the news.
I want to make everything okay for her. 
I never want her to hurt. 
Its amazing really.
I care immensely.
But i feel so selfish.
I dont want to leave.
I have someone here.
Somebody very special.
They have been what is keeping me okay through all of this.
I just got back. 
Saw them once. 
Only a small series of small moments. 
Small but wonderful. 
I dont want to leave.
They keep me okay.
And i have to leave them.
It may only be a few days. 
But if you have ever loved somebody. 
The way i do them. 
Then you will understand.
Just how much i need them.
I feel safe in their arms. 
And i adore listening to them talk.
Every word seems to soothe my nerves.
How do i feel bad about wanting to be with them.
They make me feel safe.
I never want to leave them. 
But i know the comfort of my grandmother is more important. 
Time is limited. 
I miss them though. 
When i am siting there. 
Watching her get chemo. 
In so much pain. 
I cant help it. 
I think of them. 
Wishing i could hold them. 
And be held.
I miss them.
So much my stomach aches.
But i bite my lip. 
Knowing that i will come back. 
I will see them again. 
Thats what keeps me going. 
The hope of being with them again. 
I am going now readers. 
Until next time.

Saturday, August 8, 2015

Its 3:03pm on a saturday.
And i am thinking. 
Thinking and pondering.
What words describe me.
And that word came to mind.
That word describes me.
Very well actually.
I much rather stay home. 
It's not that i don't enjoy going out.
i have no problem with it.
I can go out have a good time.
But at the end of the day.
I rather be home.
Going out can be stressful for me. 
It causes me anxiety. 
I worry.
I can't control it.
I am smart.
That is fact. 
Public speaking does not scare me. 
I know i have a voice. 
Quite it may be, but i know its powerful.
But none the less going out troubles me. 
Worries me. 
There is no reason for me to worry.
Wonderful friends and a coffee shop.
Sounds idyllic.
Good conversation. 
Good coffee. 
What's wrong with me.
I can have a good time. 
I can enjoy my time out.
But it takes a lot.
Takes a lot to get out.
And let people in.
I suppose that i feel safe home. 
And that when i walk out the door the shield of a safe home disappears.
That may sound odd.
I feel you are more susceptible to pain and judgment out there.
I used to think that i had to stay home. 
Only go out when necessary.
 That was my mindset.
I have met some one. 
They make me feel safe.
I can trust them. 
I used to go out and be stressed worried, irritable.
Now i go out and they allow me to see things with beauty.
And reason.
 I don't worry like i used to when i am with them.
I am so thankful for them.
I let them in.
And was happily surprised.
I may still prefer staying in.
But i am not opposed or scared of the prospect of going out with them.
They bring beauty in to my world.
I love them.
I hope that all of you. 
My readers. 
And people who don't know i exist. 
I hope that all of you have some one who love you. 
And make your world beautiful. 
You deserve a beautiful world. 
Till another time my readers.