Friday, October 9, 2015

I can't sleep.
I have not slept in a long while.
Yet i still dream.
My brain is a beautiful escape from reality.
Sometimes i like to go far far away.
To a place where i can no longer fathom a reality.
Where things are only beautiful,
And there is no pain.
Its peaceful.
As wonderful as this magical place is,
This is not that i need.
Sometimes i really don't want things to be perfect.
As nice as it can be.
It can be sickening having things be perfect.
So instead.
My intelligent brain works.
It works hard to free me.
It soon comes up with an alternative.
A alternate universe.
Just for me.
For my soul to run wild within.
Do as i please.
Yet another place that i can be whatever i wish to be.
My brain takes things from the real world.
Things that i find perfect.
I know that it is odd.
But there are thing.
Usually quite obscure.
Hidden through the clouds of reality.
There hidden.
Are specks of true beauty.
And objects.
That are truly radiant.
Everyone has one.
I know that it may be hard to believe.
That everyone has one.
But trust me when i say this.
We will all find our shard of beauty.
Its out there.
Just waiting to be found.
People worry that if they do not rush to find this beauty.
That their small piece of pure beauty will simply cease to exist.
But that is not how this works.
That small piece of beauty.
Your piece of beauty.
It will not move on from you.
That is put on this earth for you to find.
For you.
And you for them.
They are meant to be with you.
And as they wait for you to find them.
You don't even realize it.
But you are waiting for them.
You have never met.
But you complete each other.
You need them just as much as they need you.
Its comforting really.
Knowing that there is a single piece of beauty put on this earth just for you.
So i take this piece of beauty.
My piece of beauty.
I take it and i put it in to my escape.
Imagining what life would be like with them.
The simple details.
And no limitations.
No time restraints.
We would never feel pain.
Or loss.
We would be completely content.
Free of Pain and suffering.
Life would be lived to its fullest.
Every second of every day would be used for the better.
That is where i go.
When these frequent sleepless nights occur.
I run in to my own mind.
Holding on to that piece of beauty.
My piece of beauty.
I hope you all find your pieces of beauty soon.
Do not worry they are out there.
I will leave you be now with this thought.
Goodnight my dear readers.

Thursday, October 8, 2015

It is 4:15 on a Thursday evening.
The past month has been a whirlwind.
People from my past are reappearing.
And people in my present are giving me trouble.
My love life is thriving.
And not to mention the academic world is demanding.
Trying to handle this with grace and poise is growing harder.
People are getting under my skin more easily now.
Is this because my views about topics are becoming a bigger part of who i am.
Is it that i am just not an agreeable person.
To be fully honest with you i do not know.
But i am trying to handle this with as much class and fairness as i can.
After some time it starts to take its toll though.
It hurts knowing that what you say is not being heard, yet being rejected harshly.
It pains me thinking that i have caused people unintentional pain due to past relationships.
I never want to be the cause of pain, or unneeded anger.
I don't like to upset people.
I like to protect the people i care about.
i love to make them feel like their opinions and reasonings are heard.
That is important to me.
Very important.
I try my very hardest to always be the bigger person, in theses situations.
But sadly.
it's becoming harder.
Whether or not i am being heard becomes more important to me.
than if i am perceived t have handled my self in a proper respectful manner.
But i am human.
I can not help it.
When you hurt somebody i care about,
Please keep in mind, that this action hurts me.
Because knowing that i have failed to protect somebody i care about pains me.
I don't handle that well.
Im working on it.
I know that i should put these things behind me.
But it is very hard.
The fact you hurt somebody i care about, will taint my view of you.
Know that i do not let things go.
I hold on to things.
Grief holds on clawing at me.
Pain still stings.
Tears are eternally flowing.
My happiness never dulls.
My memories will never be forgotten.
The regret of actions and lack there of haunts me.
Fear will never loosen its hold on me.
I cant.
my mind will not let me let go.
trust me i want to let it go.
I don't like to hold on.
I want to let go, like i want the emotion to release me.
People judge.
they get so angry with me sometimes.
So i try.
I try so hard to let go.
But it hurts.
I'm sorry.
I thought i would throw that out there.
To the world.
That i am sorry i can't let go.
I don't honestly want to let them go.
But society wants me too.
So i should right.
Tr t be normal.
Let it go.
I will leave you with that my readers.
Have a good evening.