Monday, November 2, 2015

It is eight fourteen at night.
It is nice and dark out.
And clear.
I can see all of the stars spread across the sky.
And all i think about.
All my brain will allow me to think about.
Is my faults.
What i have recently ruined.
What i have done.
And how i hurt people.
Have you ever lied.
Like a big lie.
A big ugly lie.
And to the most important people in your world.
The people you need.
That you need in order to be okay.
That weighs on you every waking moment.
Because you know that you could have done better.
And you know deep down that what you did was wrong.
But you had to.
Your brain needed release.
And it found it.
Even if it came about in a cruel manner.
This action comes with a plethora of emotions.
Many of them are painful.
They wreck you.
Break you down,
And this hurts you.
You know that it hurts you.
It hurts so bad.
It's a special feeling of pain.
Unique to circumstance.
But not as bad as it does when reality hits.
When the eye of the storm you have created hits you.
And you are suddenly discovered.
Your ugly side is brought out into the open.
For the world of people you care about to see.
You are discovered at your lowest form.
Your lowest low.
This devastates you.
Because these people.
That see you.
Are the people that mean the most to you.
The ones that you want to impress.
the ones you want to see you succeed.
And to see you at your best.
So when they see your ugly side.
The part of you that you desperately try to conceal.
Because you know that it would hurt them to see you in pain.
They are generally not mad.
And you want them to be mad.
You want to be cursed at and screamed at.
Because you are numb.
You have not felt in the longest time.
That was your cry for help.
And you are teetering on the edge.
Between drifting away and trying to feel again.
And being yelled at would push you towards a decision.
They are hurt.
And you never wanted to hurt them.
Your whole goal was to hide your pain.
And to hide your numbness form the world.
Specifically them.
Because you could not stand knowing that they knew you were in pain.
They are scared.
Not of you although it may feel like this.
But they are scared for you.
Because they know that they can not protect you.
They can not protect you from what you bottle up inside.
And when you do not allow them access to you.
And you pretend.
And you portray somebody different than yourself.
Somebody you know they will accept.
They don't know you.
They can not save you from a part of you.
That they do not know exists.
They feel blind.
Because their only job.
Their only responsibility was to protect you.
And you dint let them.
You made them fail.
It was your fault.
And you are going to have to live with that.
That you hurt them.
You made them feel that pain.
The pain you were trying to prevent.
You ended up causing.
They did not see this coming.
You can not expect them to see something coming.
That they did not know was the slightest possibility.
They had no idea that you hurting.
Because you hid.
I have been living with this pain.
I was found out.
And i am not ashamed to say.
That i need help.
And now i am getting the life saving help i needed.
But i didn't know how to ask for it.
My advice to you.
Whether you decide to take it or not.
I feel the need to tell you.
The void.
The readers.
Because i feel that this is important.
It could save somebody.
I am asking you to acknowledge your pain.
That is hard yes.
But i believe in you.
You are stronger than you may know.
Acknowledge it.
And then you must communicate.
You can not be afraid of asking for help.
People will surprise you.
When faced with challenges people react differently.
But they react with the goal of helping you in mind.
I will leave yo with that my readers.
Remember that you are strong.
And that you are worth trying for.
Good night my Readers.