Thursday, October 8, 2015

It is 4:15 on a Thursday evening.
The past month has been a whirlwind.
People from my past are reappearing.
And people in my present are giving me trouble.
My love life is thriving.
And not to mention the academic world is demanding.
Trying to handle this with grace and poise is growing harder.
People are getting under my skin more easily now.
Is this because my views about topics are becoming a bigger part of who i am.
Is it that i am just not an agreeable person.
To be fully honest with you i do not know.
But i am trying to handle this with as much class and fairness as i can.
After some time it starts to take its toll though.
It hurts knowing that what you say is not being heard, yet being rejected harshly.
It pains me thinking that i have caused people unintentional pain due to past relationships.
I never want to be the cause of pain, or unneeded anger.
I don't like to upset people.
I like to protect the people i care about.
i love to make them feel like their opinions and reasonings are heard.
That is important to me.
Very important.
I try my very hardest to always be the bigger person, in theses situations.
But sadly.
it's becoming harder.
Whether or not i am being heard becomes more important to me.
than if i am perceived t have handled my self in a proper respectful manner.
But i am human.
I can not help it.
When you hurt somebody i care about,
Please keep in mind, that this action hurts me.
Because knowing that i have failed to protect somebody i care about pains me.
I don't handle that well.
Im working on it.
I know that i should put these things behind me.
But it is very hard.
The fact you hurt somebody i care about, will taint my view of you.
Know that i do not let things go.
I hold on to things.
Grief holds on clawing at me.
Pain still stings.
Tears are eternally flowing.
My happiness never dulls.
My memories will never be forgotten.
The regret of actions and lack there of haunts me.
Fear will never loosen its hold on me.
I cant.
my mind will not let me let go.
trust me i want to let it go.
I don't like to hold on.
I want to let go, like i want the emotion to release me.
People judge.
they get so angry with me sometimes.
So i try.
I try so hard to let go.
But it hurts.
I'm sorry.
I thought i would throw that out there.
To the world.
That i am sorry i can't let go.
I don't honestly want to let them go.
But society wants me too.
So i should right.
Tr t be normal.
Let it go.
I will leave you with that my readers.
Have a good evening.

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