Its 9:42am.
On a Thursday morning.
Its a tad foggy out.
And quite damp.
I know that it had rained the night before.
Because i was awake.
Last night.
There was no sleep.
I lied there awake.
Pondering ideas.
Trying to come up with solutions.
For my petty self induced problems.
I do everything that i believe my mind is capable of in that moment.
I adore this time, i have.
Alone with my self.
I know that it is a selfish behaviour.
Self destructive really.
This is vital time i am told.
I am still growing.
My body is still growing.
But i feel that during this time.
I am growing.
Growing stronger.
More clever.
Yes.
Yes i may scare my self.
With the ideas and thoughts that my sick brain conjures up.
Some of them can be deep.
And rather complex.
But sometimes using the same brain.
The same brain that conjures up complex ordeals.
Comes out the most shallow inconsiderate ones.
Sometimes i wonder if i am selfish.
But then i parooze the idea for a while.
Think it over.
rolling it around and around in my brain.
then i finally come to the answer.
No.
No i am not selfish.
I know i am not.
Because when i gorge my self in that sickly self indulgent feeling.
I feel as though i am rotting.
I despise the feeling of selfishness.
This is only one of the small thoughts.
That wonder their way in to my lovely monstrous brain.
At ungodly hours of the night.
Maybe some time.
I will show you a more complex wonder.
until next time.

Different.
Why do people feel the need to hide their beautiful differences?
I believe i have found the answer.
Differences scare people.
People believe that things must continue the way began.
Set in stone.
Its not supposed to differ.
From person to person.
It is supposed to be the same.
Supposed to be.
But people are brave.
We constantly test the limits of the normal.
Once we know the limits.
We break them.
We refuse to be limited.
By people who are scared.
Never ever be afraid.
Afraid of what scared people may think.
Its worrying yes.
But i promise you.
If you step outside the normal.
That tight plastic bubble of normal.
That suffocating feeling.
You have the capability.
The bravery inside of you.
To break out of the normal.
SAo please.
I am asking you.
A request really.
Don't limit your self.
I will leave it up to you to interpret.
Interpret what it means to you.
Because if i tell you.
I will be telling you how to free me.
Not yourself.
I will leave you to ponder that.
Goodbye dear readers.

It is 7:03am on a Wednesday 

And i am sitting here looking at my monitor. 

I am so worried.

All the time. 

I am not in any immediate danger i am always worried.

About big details. 

Small details.

And everything inbetween.

It just started to rain.

Its raining hard enough so that you can see it coming down sideways.

And hitting the pavement outside my window.

I am leaving today.

Leaving my house.

Where i used to feel safe.

heading to my grandmas.

Shes sick.

Cancer.

I dont think that i have ever been more scared of a word before. 

But when i heard that this word was in her. 

hurting her. 

I was enraged.

Angered.

Devastated. 

All at the same time.

So ever since that dismal day we have been making the six hour drive to see her.

Shes so happy.

Or so it seems. 

She puts up this wall. 

This fake wall.

Telling you that she is always fine when you can tell she is hurting.

I hate to see my little grandma in that much pain all the time. 

And you know what the kicker is. 

I cant help. 

I can't cure cancer for her. 

I cant even ease her suffering. 

I am just a devastated bystander. 

Helpless.

I have felt help;less for the past few months. 

Ever since we heard the news.

I want to make everything okay for her. 

I never want her to hurt. 

Ever.

Its amazing really.

I care immensely.

But i feel so selfish.

I dont want to leave.

I have someone here.

Somebody very special.

They have been what is keeping me okay through all of this.

I just got back. 

Saw them once. 

Only a small series of small moments. 

Small but wonderful. 

Irreplaceable. 

I dont want to leave.

They keep me okay.

And i have to leave them.

It may only be a few days. 

But if you have ever loved somebody. 

The way i do them. 

Then you will understand.

Just how much i need them.

I feel safe in their arms. 

And i adore listening to them talk.

Every word seems to soothe my nerves.

How do i feel bad about wanting to be with them.

They make me feel safe.

Loved. 

Amazing. 

I never want to leave them. 

But i know the comfort of my grandmother is more important. 

Time is limited. 

I miss them though. 

When i am siting there. 

Watching her get chemo. 

In so much pain. 

I cant help it. 

I think of them. 

Wishing i could hold them. 

And be held.

I miss them.

So much my stomach aches.

But i bite my lip. 

Knowing that i will come back. 

I will see them again. 

Thats what keeps me going. 

The hope of being with them again. 

I am going now readers. 

Until next time.

Introvert.

Its 3:03pm on a saturday.

And i am thinking. 

Thinking and pondering.

What words describe me.

And that word came to mind.

Introvert.

That word describes me.

Very well actually.

I much rather stay home. 

It's not that i don't enjoy going out.

i have no problem with it.

I can go out have a good time.

But at the end of the day.

I rather be home.

Going out can be stressful for me. 

It causes me anxiety. 

I worry.

I can't control it.

I am smart.

That is fact. 

Public speaking does not scare me. 

I know i have a voice. 

Quite it may be, but i know its powerful.

But none the less going out troubles me. 

Worries me. 

There is no reason for me to worry.

Wonderful friends and a coffee shop.

Sounds idyllic.

Good conversation. 

Good coffee. 

What's wrong with me.

I can have a good time. 

I can enjoy my time out.

But it takes a lot.

Takes a lot to get out.

And let people in.

I suppose that i feel safe home. 

And that when i walk out the door the shield of a safe home disappears.

That may sound odd.

I feel you are more susceptible to pain and judgment out there.

I used to think that i had to stay home. 

Only go out when necessary.

 That was my mindset.

Was.

I have met some one. 

They make me feel safe.

Comfortable. 

I can trust them. 

I used to go out and be stressed worried, irritable.

Now i go out and they allow me to see things with beauty.

And reason.

 I don't worry like i used to when i am with them.

I am so thankful for them.

I let them in.

And was happily surprised.

I may still prefer staying in.

But i am not opposed or scared of the prospect of going out with them.

They bring beauty in to my world.

I love them.

I hope that all of you. 

My readers. 

And people who don't know i exist. 

I hope that all of you have some one who love you. 

And make your world beautiful. 

You deserve a beautiful world. 

Till another time my readers. 

Its 4:30pm.
On a saturday.
And i can't help but look back at where i was a while ago.
Love played a big part of it
Love is very powerful.
And people are strong.
Love and people work together.
people are interdependent with love.
People love.
People love lots of things.
Some things bigger than others.
Some things smaller than others.
But they are all important.
People can love a plethora of things.
They love ridiculous things.
They can love things that hurt them.
Or things that make them happy.
Including other people.
People can make people happy.
And they can also degrade people.
yet we always yearn for it.
Having people to love is vitally important.
When we feel alone we are left with our thoughts.
Don't get me wrong being with your thoughts is very good.
Healthy as well.
But it can be dangerous when you are feeling alone.
Feeling alone.
feeling alone is one of the most painful feelings.
When you are alone you doubt yourself.
Self doubt is powerful.
Terrifying even.
One of the most powerful emotions.
One of the most devastating.
It takes a lot to overcome.
We usually look to people to help us overcome it.
Yes it takes a lot.
And it takes a very strong person.
A loving person.
Sometimes you don't even have to know them.
You just have to feel connected.
Its important that you can relate to this person.
I have doubted myself before.
Degraded myself.
I shut down.
Closed myself off.
All because i don't think i was good enough.
i was desperate.
Desperate to feel connected to someone.
I found this through writing.
Specifically poetry.
That is how i found her.
The girl that i connected with.
The girl that saved me.
Sparked a feeling and connection in me.
Through a poem.
Titled.
Body love.
This women that inspired me to keep trying,
To fight for my worth.
This women that made me realize i am beautiful.
Mary.
Mary Lambert.
I can't put her beauty into words.
And i truly cant describe how powerful; her performance was.
It changed me.
changed the way i look at life.
And the way i look at and understand other people.
I want to finish up saying thank you.
Thank you Mary Lambert.
Thank you.

Mary Lambert - Body Love (1 Mic, 1 Take)

I will talk about this tonight.

It's 11:20.
On a Monday night.
And I was thinking.
One of the things that causes pain in our lives are.
Assumptions.
They can cause tremendous pain.
They can be broken.
And it seems when they are broken.
The result for someone is usually pain.
Or utter shock.
Because usually.
The person simply assumes that things are going to stay the same indefinitely.
They rather stay on the perfect world they have created for themselves.
They rather drag people in.
Make them believe the same thing.
Live the same way.
It's absurd.
People are not supposed to live the same way.
We are not copies.
We are originals.
And it is unexcepable.
It is unexcepable for people to push assumptions on people.
We should not be forced in to what is assumed to be the perfect lifestyle.
People are people.
So I dare you.
I dare you to defy these limiting assumptions.
Your life is yours.
Never let your self be limited by harsh assumptions.
It's not worth trying to impress people.
It's not worth trying to fit in to what is believed to be right.
Your happiness.
Your life.
And well being.
Are worth it.
So go out defy these assumptions.
I leave you with this challenge.
Just because you think of something as the right way.
Don't assume that that is how other people function.
Everyone is different.
Every life is different.
Goodnight readers.